Loony Got Caught, Black's Cock and Bulling
by HermioneGirl96
Summary: A canon-divergent one-shot in which Snape, Avery, and Mulciber discover Remus in the Shrieking Shack just as he transforms into a werewolf, and the other Marauders have to fight the Slytherins to protect their friend's secret. T for language.


**Disclaimer: It's Rowling's.**

**A/N: This belongs to my series of fics inspired by song lyrics I've misheard over the years. In the case of this fic, the first time I heard Fall Out Boy's "Sugar We're Going Down" was when I was reading **_**Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix**_—**I think I was literally reading out loud to my sister while we had the radio on in the car—and I misheard "A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it" as "A loony got caught; Black's cock-and-bulling" and I assumed the song was about the Marauders. All these years later, I'm finally getting this down in words. Also, I threw canon out the window with this fic, just FYI.**

James and Peter are sneaking down the stairs under James's invisibility cloak when Peeves pops out from under the stairwell and grins at them. James is only slightly alarmed; he's gotten the sense a few times before that Peeves can see through the invisibility cloak, but Peeves has never tried to summon a patrolling professor or prefect to get the Marauders in trouble. He's more likely to give them tips about when Slughorn's stores are unlocked or how best to annoy Filch. Now, though, Peeves starts singing in no particular key: "Loony got caught," he sing-songs. "Black's cock-and-bulling!"

Peter stops walking. Since he's behind James, and James doesn't realize Peter has stopped at first, this results in James continuing a couple of steps down the stairs and the cloak riding up on both of them as it gets stretched past its limits. James turns around when he realizes his legs are visible, and then he hurries back up the stairs toward Peter, rearranging the cloak as he does so.

"Loony got caught; Black's cock-and-bulling," Peeves repeats.

"What does it mean?" Peter whispers.

James bites his lip, thinking. "D'you reckon 'Loony' is Moony? Like he smashed together 'Moony' and 'Lupin' and got Loony?"

Peter nods thoughtfully. "Yeah, that makes sense. And Black is Padfoot, obviously."

"Right," says James. "And cock-and-bull means 'made-up,' so I guess Padfoot is lying?"

"Well, that would make sense, if Moony got caught," says Peter.

James smacks himself in the forehead. "Right! Obviously! Oh shit, we've got to get to the Shack!"

He turns away from Peter and starts thundering down the stairs, only slowing down when Peter grabs the back of his robes. Right. He has to account for Peter's short legs and limited athletic capacity. He and Peter jog down the rest of the stairs and creep across the flagstones to the doors, but, once they've slipped outside and closed the doors behind them, James whips the invisibility cloak off of himself and Peter, stuffs it in the pocket of his robes, and full-on pelts in the direction of the Whomping Willow, cursing himself all the while for not having remembered the invisibility cloak when he packed his school bag this morning. Moony had slipped away right after Transfiguration to make sure he could get to the Shack before moonrise—he's been so thin lately and it makes James ache to think about him having to miss dinner—and James and Peter and Sirius had been planning on leaving the library at eight, but James had realized he'd forgotten the invisibility cloak and that sneaking back in after curfew would be difficult without it. So Sirius had gone ahead to the Shack while James and Peter had returned to Gryffindor tower to fetch the cloak before following Sirius—not quickly enough, clearly.

Now, as James runs for the Willow, he tries to figure out who would have discovered Moony. If it's a random Muggle, he and the other Marauders can deal with the situation fairly easily. It won't be their first breach of the International Statute of Secrecy, and it likely won't be their last, either. (Their first was over the Christmas hols, fourth year, the very first time they snuck alcohol, because they thought magical Catherine wheels would look really smashing gamboling over the countryside, and James's father had been the one to handle the memory charms that time as all four boys had been completely wasted.) They're all good at memory charms by now, even Peter. So if the person who's discovered Moony is a Muggle, everything's fine. If it's another Hogwarts student or resident of Hogsmeade, though—which is far more likely—then this is going to be one tricky situation. Not that Sirius's silver tongue hasn't gotten him out of difficult situations before, but still. James hoped this kind of day would never come.

James slows to a halt just outside the Willow's whomping radius, spells a twig on the ground to press the correct knot on the trunk, and then surges forward. Peter almost catches up to him, having gained ground while James was stopped. The two of them duck inside the tree and then sprint down the tunnel toward the Shack—well, James sprints, at least. As he approaches the Shack, even over his breathing, James can hear Sirius's voice, loud and desperate.

Just as James enters the Shack (Peter doesn't have James's stamina and is still in the tunnel), a voice that's all too familiar for all the wrong reasons starts to cut Sirius off. "We know what we saw—" Snape starts, but he stops speaking when he sees James.

James steps up beside Sirius and glares down the Slytherins: Snape, of course, but also Avery and Mulciber.

"I can promise you that you have seen nothing of interest here tonight," James grits out.

Mulciber just laughs, his square jaw hinging open. "'Nothing of interest,' my ass."

"We saw your _friend_ turn into a _wolf_. I believe that's very interesting indeed," says Snape.

Remus likes to tease Sirius and James about adopted-brother telepathy, and Peter likes to joke that they're one person in two bodies, because James and Sirius finish each other's sentences and homework and meals like it's nothing. James has never been as grateful for his bond with Sirius as he is now; the two of them both raise their wands at once and start firing curses. It takes the Slytherins about a second to react, and by the time they've got their arms raised Avery no longer has a wand and Mulciber is keeling over. Snape, however, manages to duck beneath the first few curses Sirius and James throw at him, and then he throws up a shield charm and starts to turn away.

James doesn't waste his breath swearing about the shield; he just dismantles it, and as soon as he's got it down Sirius is flinging a memory charm at Snape, but Snape counters and it's a duel. It would be over quickly, but neither James nor Sirius bothered catching Avery's wand, and now Avery manages to find it and come to Snape's aid. Sirius and James can still hold their own, of course, but it's anyone's battle right up to the point where Peter stumbles in, breathless, and manages to cast, "_Stupefy!_"

The jet of light soars toward Snape, but Snape roars back, "_Sectumsempra!_" and suddenly Peter's lying flayed open on the floor, blood soaking through his robes and tinging the air with the smell of copper.

"Get Peter," snarls Sirius in a low voice, and James knows better than to argue. He kneels immediately, ignoring the sound of Sirius bellowing curses as best he can, and starts murmuring healing spells while trying to compress the wound with his non-wand hand. Six spells later, though, nothing whatsoever has changed, so he pops back up, blood dripping off of his left hand and robe sleeve, and stupefies Avery while Sirius manages the same with Snape.

"I told you to get Peter," Sirius growls when Snape and Avery have both toppled over.

"Nothing was working," says James. "We need to get him back to the hospital wing now. I've never heard that spell before—I don't think we can counter it with regular healing spells."

It's quiet for a moment, save for Peter's wordless groans. He's still conscious, but James doesn't think that will last, given the rate at which he's losing blood.

"Can you levitate Peter back to the hospital wing on your own?" Sirius asks. "After I Obliviate these assholes I'd like to see if I can find Moony. He sprinted out of here right after they showed up and I hate the thought of him out there by himself."

James doesn't want to levitate Peter back by himself because it means he'll have one hand, maximum, to compress the wound in Peter's chest, and he'll only have even that if he's really, really careful. But Remus does best when he, Sirius, and Peter all accompany him, and full moon nights are absolute rubbish for him when he has to go through them alone. Plus, Remus has never gotten out of the Shack alone before, and that could be a problem not only for him but also for the residents of Hogsmeade if things go particularly wrong.

"All right," James agrees. "I'll get Peter to the infirmary, and then I'll find you on the Map and come after you."

Sirius nods and walks forward until he's standing over Snape's sprawled form. "I ought to give him a taste of his own medicine."

It takes James a second to understand, mostly because he's panicking a bit about Peter, but then he gets it and he says, "No. Just Obliviate him."

"Why?" There's something ugly in Sirius's face as he looks up at James in the moonlight.

"Because it could kill him, Pads," says James plaintively.

"And?" Sirius asks.

"Pads. _Peter is bleeding out. I don't have time for this conversation right now_. Swear to me on your honor as a Gryffindor that you won't."

Sirius hesitates, but then he looks down at Peter's bleeding chest and nods wearily.

"Good," says James, and then he levitates Peter.


End file.
